I wish I could teleport
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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