the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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