so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
