good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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