sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
did i walk over a car last night?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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