I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
