dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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