I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Someone shattered a urinal.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Also, beer. Big fan.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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