Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
