I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
