Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
