he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
