I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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