If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Randomize
