You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
