i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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