I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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