Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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