The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
