The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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