My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize