Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize