I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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