1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
