I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
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