dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
