I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
