Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
