i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
