My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Randomize
