that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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