I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i would punch a child for taco bell
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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