I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
