I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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