did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
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