I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
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