It's Friday. Sex?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
