I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize