Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
