so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
