remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
