clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
