She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
