So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Randomize
