I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Randomize
