The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
