Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
