I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
organizing the empties. That sober.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Randomize
