Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
