I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize