I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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