Have you finally orgasmed yet?
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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