why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Is it because I queefed?
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
