Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
