omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
