I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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