FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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