So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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