don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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