We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Randomize
