you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
