I think i sorta joined a cult last night
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
