The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
